Tag Archives: Interpersonal relations

I was struck by the way we respond to conflict is a case study in deferred gratification.  Cases involving money permit more objectivity; interpersonal conflicts are much more difficult to maintain perspective.  An emotionally charged situation offers two options – the angry and the thoughtful. 

The angry is the immediately satisfying, typically aggressive and hurtful approach.  It feels good in the moment, defending yourself from attack by attacking your tormentor. 

The thoughtful takes a higher level view, noticing that the conflict of the moment plays a small role in the big picture.  Satisfying immediate urges for retribution or “justice” may prevent a future happiness.  This is, at its core, an exercise in deferred gratification.  The thoughtful doesn’t require us to “roll over and take it”, rather to use the conflict constructively to further our goals.

This advice is easy to preach but often difficult to practice.  In the heat of the moment, keeping a clear head can be near impossible, depending on how emotionally charged the situation is.  However, the deferred rewards – not having to apologize afterwards, and remaining on track to reach your goals is worth the effort.

The idea of deferred gratification being superior to immediate pleasure has been part of our culture since long before the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment validated it.  The simple idea of foregoing an immediate reward for a later gain is a foundation of modern religions, and correlates to greater success in many life measures.

The counter to this approach is summed up in the expression “a bird in the hand is worth one in the bush”, or the sports analogy “getting points on the board”.  This approach notices that deferred gratification doesn’t mean much if the gratification never arrives.

At its core, the question is one of time horizons – how long a game are you playing.  The optimal choice changes depending on whether you care about the moment, the week or the next ten years.  Assuming that deferring is always better is as foolish as pure hedonism.

A balance is needed – all immediate reward and you eat your seed corn; all deferred and you will forget how to enjoy what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.

Establishing a consistent core set of principles from which your actions flow is the single most important thing you can do to drive clarity of intent and action across all phases of professional and personal life.

Clear articulation of principles is most valuable in ambiguous and new situations, providing a starting point from which to respond.  It also has the value of being consistent with your prior set of actions, making it more readily processed by your stakeholders.

This applies to:

  • Organizational: This is the core strength of an explicit principled approach, especially for organizations and initiatives that span multiple functional or management groups.  It drives internal alignment, agility and the ability to speak with one voice.
  • Professional: This is the core of your Personal Brand and should never be compromised.  It drives signal consistency and is the foundation of your message when interviewing for jobs.
  • Personal:  This is often the hardest to define.  Personal principles are typically so polished by years of experience and nuance that they are hard to distinguish.  However, it can be an enlightening exercise to explore your core principles and what they imply.  I like StrengthsFinder, amongst the host of self-help systems.

• 1 Comment

Communicating doubt and changing course can sometimes be a signal of self-awareness and maturity.  But for career development, projecting confidence and consistency is the better plan.

Internal State:

I don't know what we should do with my life - it is a judgment call, and I don't have the experience or data to make a strong recommendation.  Thus, I'll choose the option that looks most attractive in the moment.

External (Manager's) Need:

 Clear signal of what you want to do.

Source of Conflict:

You're setting the wrong standard.  Uncertainty is expected.  If you get to 100% confidence, then you've wasted a bunch of time. 

Resolution:

Your manager can't read your mind, and constant oscillations will lead to immobilization, eliminating your strongest advocate in your organization.

Make a choice, based on a simple consistent narrative and stick with it.  Don't go chasing shiny objects.*  Devote yourself to reaching clarity.  Only when you reach a significant change in your understanding, and have found a simple, linear way to communicate it should you ask your manager to change course.

* Be careful pursuing opportunities inconsistent with your career path narrative.  The groundwork within your organization hasn't been laid for such a change, and your manager may become immobilized.  If you don't get the position, you will need to work to re-establish your career narrative.